Complete the following sentences after the ellipses with, “you just might be a new parent.” Yeah, like that comic, Jeff Whatshisname that has the shtick about rednecks.
Here goes;
If you wash dishes in boiling hot dishwater, rinse them in purified drinking water, then sanitize them to rid them of any potential microbial contaminates, but grab a vomit covered burp cloth with your mouth because your hands are too busy…
If Google’s advertisements have subtly changed from pizza chains, car deals, and vacation get-a-ways, to baby clothes, formula pitches, and diaper ads…
If you can’t remember what day of the week it is, but can precisely recall the volume, matter of content, and time of the last three diapers you changed…
If you feel the need to peer down the back of your best friend’s shorts after he farts, just to be sure someone doesn’t need a change…
If the SEC requires the makers of Enfamil to reissue their financial statements to disclose the undiversified risk they have as a result of your being their largest customer…
If your man’s gaze lingers on the chest of a strange woman in public and he wonders aloud, “Anyone hungry?”…
If a street walker claims she’ll do anything you want for $25 and you reply, “Sure, watch my kids for the evening.”…
If your otherwise loving and supportive parents have taken schadenfreude in your recent circumstances…
If you can’t remember the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody but know every verse to the theme song of Veggie Tales…
If your sports-fan spouse has replaced Monday night football with Tuesday morning info-mercials…
If you forgo the reservation for two at Spiaggia for family style at Cucina Maccheroni …
If you let your subscription to Road & Track lapse, but Car & Driver suddenly seems relevant…
If the longest thing you’ve read in the last six months were the heating directions on a can of soup…
If you wink and smile at your mate, slip between the sheets, then promptly fall asleep…
If you interrupt the telemarketer that just called you by screaming, “Waaaaaaaaaah!”…
If a quick errand to the grocery store requires more time planning, preparing, and executing than polar expedition…
If, in your sleep deprived mind-fog, you wonder why the sun is setting in the east…its not setting...
If the only clean laundry in your house comes in size New Born to 3 months….
If your Dr. Feelgood is a pediatrician recommending Nyquil...
If the last movie you saw starred a purple dinosaur…
If your best gal throws up all over you after a few drinks…
If your feeding at 2:00 a.m., and you’re sober…
If your father in-law belches and you reply, “Good boy!”…
If you wishfully sing Silent Night in the middle of June…
Add any that have been missed in the comments below.
If something bad happens and you cry, if something good happens and you cry, if nothing at all happens, and you cry…
ReplyDeleteIf you are suddenly a rock star when you venture out to the grocery store…
If the Federal government has declared your home a disaster area despite the fact that there haven’t been any storms in your area for months…
If you look at a dairy cow and murmur, “I feel your pain”…